Parenting Trap #1 - Is Your Parenting Pyramid Upside Down?
How many of us find ourselves constantly correcting our children? Stop fighting with your brother! Pick up your room. Do your homework. Get off the electronics! We may find ourselves wondering if there is an end to this constant policework side of parenting.
WHAT IS HAPPENING?
According to the Arbinger Institute, we may have our focus backwards. At first glance, you might say "But wait! I need to correct my child when they are doing things that aren't correct. How will they learn otherwise?" The answer to this is two-sided. While we do want to make sure our children understand right from wrong, if you are constantly repeating yourself, chances are your children know right from wrong already. The correcting of our children should be the smallest part of our interactions, and not the largest one (Arbinger Institute, 1998). If this isn't the case, the problem may lie in the foundational levels of our parenting - within ourselves.
WHY?
In a 1998 article explaining The Parenting Pyramid, the Arbinger Institute explains: "We usually ask, "What do we do when things go wrong?" The more important question is, "How do we help things go right?"" The answer is found within The Parenting Pyramid. Each level of the pyramid outlines a deeper and broader need. From correcting our children, we look at teaching them. Have we taught them the underlying values of why the problem we find ourselves in conflict about is a problem to begin with? How is our relationship with this child? Do they feel known and understood by us? Do we feel as if we know and understand them? Furthermore, is our marriage in conflict? Do our children feel torn between parents - feeling as though they cannot please both and that they have to choose which one of us to please? Lastly, most of us are familiar with the concept of a parent making sure their oxygen mask is on before trying to secure their child's when flying on an airplane in an emergency situation. A similar idea is presented here. Where are we at in our personal way of being? When we find ourselves frustrated with our children, can we take a step back and ask ourselves "Why? Is there any part of this conflict that lies with me?" Were we distracted with our phone and snapping out of distraction? Are we really frustrated with the way we manage our time or household, and the socks on the floor are the low-lying fruit?
HOW DO I CHANGE?
"The key to effective parenting is to reverse [the] order in expenditure of time and energy." (Arbinger Institute, 1998). We need to begin by taking a longer look at the problems we find arising with our children. I found this pyramid to be effective in a simple way recently when trying to pack my family for a weekend trip. Generally, I go about trying to encourage all of my children to pack simultaneously, while I am gathering all the things I think we will need as a family - food, medicine, etc. and packing myself at the same time. As you can imagine, the scene is chaos. Asking children "Did you pack your dress shoes? Do you have your toothbrush?" as I am in and out of rooms grabbing bandages and pain medication... you get the picture. This time, rather than packing myself last as is usually the case, I decided to pack myself first. The difference was telling. Since I was already finished with what I was asking my children to do, I could then turn my full attention to their needs. I handed my older children a written list and quickly packed the youngest child out of their drawers, then turned to my older kids to find out what they still needed and was able to help them locate them. The distracted "Stop fighting and go pack!" call from the other room was eliminated as I was able to tend to the underlying cause of much of the disturbances when a child reached a block in their packing because they couldn't find something or needed additional help from a distracted mother.
"The solution to a problem in one part of the pyramid lies below that part of the pyramid" (Arbinger Institute, 1998). As we find ourselves struggling with a consistent problem with our kids, we need to dig deeper into the foundations of our parenting pyramid. If our constant correction is not bringing about a desired change or solution, we need to look to our teaching. If our teaching does not seem to be effective, we need to look to our relationship with this child. Do we have a good relationship? What can be done to improve it? and continuing down the pyramid to evaluate relationships and our personal way of being. This type of parenting takes a lot more work and effort on our part. However, I believe the benefits are long lasting. Give this a try this week in a situation you find yourselves in with one of your kids and see if it doesn't bring a better solution to your situation than you've experienced in the past. Then comment below and let us know how it went!
Best Wishes!
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