Parenting Trap #2 - Praise

Have you ever told your child they were so smart after completing a task? How did it feel? What were your reasons? I am sure all of us want to encourage our children as they learn and grow. We want them to have a strong sense of self, of esteem, and to feel that they have the power to accomplish anything they set their mind to. Would you be surprised to learn that you might be undermining your child's ability to do so? 

WHAT IS HAPPENING?

When we tell our children that they are smart or talented, we may be unintentionally placing a limit on their growth. As this seems to be the exact opposite of what we are trying to do, we may at first glance disagree with this assessment. Let's suspend our initial reactions for a moment and look at this concept a little closer. Talent and smarts are seen as something with parameters, God-given or what you are born with. Effort is eliminated from the picture and this is where the damage lies.  

Dr. Carol S. Dweck has said "Praising children's intelligence harms their motivation and it harms their performance. How can that be? Don't children love to be praised? Yes, children love praise. And they especially love to be praised for their intelligence and talent. It really does give them a boost, a special glow - but only for the moment. The minute they hit a snag, their confidence goes out the window and their motivation hits rock bottom. If success means they're smart, then failure means they're dumb. That's the fixed mindset. (Dweck, 2016, p.178)."

WHY?

A person with a fixed mindset believes that the amount a person can accomplish has been predetermined by parameters beyond their control. Someone with a growth mindset on the other hand, understands that their ability to achieve is not limited by those factors. Rather the amount of effort and work they put in and help they seek out and receive expands their abilities to learn and grow.

One way we can help our children is to evaluate the types of praise we are giving them. Three types of praise are explained in the following graphic: evaluative, descriptive, and appreciative.

Evaluative praise is the type of praise we are all most familiar with and likely most used to receiving - including Great job! Well done! Awesome! As we have discussed, this type of praise can be hard to sustain. Additionally, it is really the most limited of the three in helping children to understand the effects of their behavior.

Descriptive praise describes the behavior you have observed. To a child, they are able to replicate it - in their mind they can see "I did this and this positive was the result." Using descriptive praise focuses on their accomplishment(s) and is reinforcing, while allowing the child to make the interpretive connection between their behavior and the positive result.

Appreciative praise helps a child understand they belong to a bigger picture than themselves. They begin to see how what they do has an impact on their family or others in the world around them. It is important when giving appreciative praise to be as specific as you can when describing what you saw, for example "Did you see how Jennie's face lit up when you shared with her the treat you got at school today? She could tell you cared for her." rather than "Thank you for sharing your treat with Jennie."

HOW DO I CHANGE?

Instead of telling your child "Great Job!" when they have cleaned their room, try saying "Wow! I know that took a lot of time to put each of your toys in the correct bins. You stuck with it though and worked hard!" or "Thank you for cleaning your room. It really helps me when your room is clean because I am able to get in easily to put your clothes away." These comments accentuate the effort your child put in and help them to recognize the effects their behavior has on others. This can help your child in the long run to be compassionate and aware of others, and to recognize that their effort makes the difference in their success. 

Try this out this week with your children. Substitute a "Well done!" for either a description of their good behavior or an explanation of how you appreciate the effects of their behavior on yourself or others. See the difference in how that praise feels to you and your child. Then comment below and let us know how it went!

Best Wishes!

FURTHER READING:

Dweck, C. (2016). Mindset: The new psychology of success. Ballantine Books.