Parenting Trap #3 - Handling Emotions

Have you ever been in a public place and watched a mom and child in the height of a meltdown? Have you ever been that mom? Standing helplessly by, watching your normally even-tempered child turn into an unrecognizable creature and feeling as if you were the most ill-suited person on earth to care for said child? Today we are going to talk a little about emotions, both yours and your child's and why having an emotional connection and coaching your child through their emotions makes all the difference for both of you.

WHAT IS HAPPENING?

Dr. John Gottman, founder of the Gottman Institute, has said that "[we] need to realize that relationships and emotional connection are the foundations for learning." Oftentimes our children are being overwhelmed by feelings and emotions that they do not understand. They are unable to put a name on what they are feeling, not to mention understand why anger, hurt, disappointment, or other emotive feelings are coursing through their body. Even as adults, sometimes we go through the day feeling angry or upset, and it is not until we take a step back to identify the trigger that may have happened hours earlier that we are able to take the necessary steps to resolve the feelings and return to a more stable, emotional center. 

WHY?

As a parent, when we find ourselves in difficult situations with our children's emotions, we often react in one of the following ways: by dismissing, by disapproving, or by being lackadaisical or careless. When we try to dismiss the emotional reaction we may do this by trying to shut it down quickly using distraction techniques, or trying to put distance between the situation with time, or trying to curb the emotions. Reacting disapprovingly includes utilizing more force or negativity - authoritatively being disciplinary and disregarding the source of the emotion entirely. Being lackadaisical includes trying not to react at all, essentially allowing for the moment to pass and offering no guidance to the emotion or behavior. 

HOW DO I CHANGE?

The good news is that there is a fourth way to react, and it is by and far the best possible choice. 

Dr. John Gottman has outlined the following five steps to help parents as they are guiding their children through the big feelings of emotions and how to successfully manage them.

STEP 1: Notice your child's emotions.

 By being aware of your child and their ups and downs, you can catch those emotions in their early stages and help your children to have greater success in understanding them.

STEP 2 - Recognize the emotion as an opportunity.

Instead of getting worked up yourself, you can take a breath and realize that this is a chance to teach your child, to help them to lay a foundation of understanding and to guide them in a better way. This is your opportunity to respond with compassion and validation in helping your child navigate their feelings. 

STEP 3 - Help your child identify and label the emotion.

Talk to your child about their feelings, "Wow! It looks like you are feeling pretty angry." "I can see from the tears on your face that you are feeling sad." Help your child to give a name to the feeling. Then they will be better able to define it according to what they feel.

STEP 4 - Communicate empathy and understanding. 

This is your opportunity to really connect with your child. "I know if my ice cream cone dropped on the floor, I would be sad also." "I lost my stuffed kitty when I was a little girl and it was hard for me to go to sleep also." "I am sorry you are sad about missing story time this week."

STEP 5 - Set limits and problem solve.

Sometimes this is just a matter of fixing a problem. In our ice cream cone example we can say "The good news is I have more ice cream in the kitchen. Let's get you a new one." At other times, boundaries need to be set. "I know you are upset about your toy breaking but throwing the pieces is not okay. You could hurt someone." Then helping your child find a better outlet for their anger that is okay for both of you would be the final part of this step. "You can punch this pillow instead," for example. 

When working through these steps, it is also important to recognize that your child may be reacting with behavior they have seen modeled in their home. If we do not handle our emotions in a healthy way, how can we expect our children to do better? Taking the time to look at our own emotional management will also bless our children in helping them to learn how to handle what life sends their way.

The next time your child seems to be struggling with an emotion larger than their ability to handle, give these steps a try. Take the time to help them understand what they are feeling and make sure they know you are on their side and know they are able to handle it. Then leave us a comment and tell us how it went!

Best Wishes!

FURTHER READING:

An Introduction to Emotion Coaching -- Gottman Institute

Parenting and Emotion Coaching with the Gottman Institute